yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
