the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
