Just fell off a train. Bad.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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