I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize