My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
