I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
