sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
