So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
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HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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