So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
