I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
