i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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