dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
