the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
