I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
