there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
