I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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