u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize