Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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