At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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