When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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