last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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