I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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