Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
