we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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