Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
