My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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