Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
