All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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