Having a random hookup so left but love u
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
