Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
