so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize