I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
