So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
