I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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