No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
