not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Still dying that you shit outside
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
