You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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