My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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