I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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