Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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