maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
