he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
