# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
