70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
