I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
