People in love make me want to vomit
Operation Purity has been aborted
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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