i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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