If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
