If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
