On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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