i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
