Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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