I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
