Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
