Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize