how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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