dude i'm inner monologue high
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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