census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
